Beyond Fiction: The Disastrous Epidemic Killing Women in Pakistan
Almost a month since Sana Yousuf’s unfortunate murder, I’m still unable to complete gather my thoughts. The anger, the frustration, the lingering sadness and helplessness is all consistently present, but there seems to be no outlet for all of these negative emotions apart from a biweekly rant with a fellow woman. The hope I had regarding the situation of the women, children and minorities in this country dwindles by every passing day, and there is rarely anything to keep it alive. I see my fellow women being harassed in one form or another, every single day, yet, they all continue to pretend nothing happened and move on just to keep the already limited avenues of life open for them.
However, with every passing day, the realization is becoming clearer: we’re all one accusation, one failed love-story, one rejection or one man’s ego away from becoming another trend on social media.
Despite my distorted state of mind, I’ve still been trying to do some evaluation on how we managed to reach a level so low as a society that we have people cheering for the murder of a 17-year old girl? Although, I believe I will never truly be able to understand how such a mentality works – and I hope I’m not – I have still tried to do some brain-exercise over this.
1. Blurring Lines Between Fiction and Reality: The Impact of Media
This one is loud and clear, and has been excessively discussed in the past couple of days. However, it has become so relevant and real, that it is a responsibility upon all of us to highlight this controllable cause. Obsessive love stories have always been highly popular in media around the world. Men worldwide have been told that there’s a thrill in “chasing” a woman till she eventually falls for the man’s persistence and says yes.
However, this has become a trend in Pakistani television over the past few years where such obsessive tropes are a quick recipe of yielding a mega-hit project. Ishq Hai, Khaani, Khuda Aur Muhabbat 3, Kesi Teri Khudgharzi and Mann Mast Malang are just a few examples. The trick is simple: a (mostly) rich, obsessive man who “loves” a woman so deeply that he is willing to fight all obstacles to “get” her – even if the obstacle means the woman’s consent. Eventually, the woman – either impressed by the determination, or left with no other choice, caves in, and ends up loving the man because he goes through a slight “redemption” phase.
Read More: Rid Us of The Persistent Depiction Of Domestic Violence
What most of us perceive as mere fiction has sadly been taken too seriously by young, impressionable minds. They see millions drooling over a glorified alpha male, and they start to believe that is the recipe to success. It is very easy to criticize actors or production houses, but that solves nothing. These dramas have repeatedly been watched, hyped and demanded by real people. These storylines have always topped ranking charts, which shows that there are millions who appreciate and approve of the content that is being fed to them.
This shows that dramas are just the tip of an iceberg and a reflection of deeper damage existing in the society, which needs to be realized and solved.
2. Religion to Suit Narratives: The Misconstrued Version of Islam
Religion in Pakistan – following discussion will be about Islam given it is the majority religion – has always been deformed and misused by all individuals and groups to fit their own agendas. Be it the blasphemy accusations to the commandments on pardah and inheritance, depending on which end of the socio-political spectrum one falls on, certain rules are omitted and other exaggerated, as per preference.
The same situation applies to Islamic commands on gender differences – the manipulation of Islam to fit patriarchal ideologies has been long practiced and normalized. Even before the birth of a child, infertility or the birth of a female child is blamed on the woman, despite Quran being explicitly clear that the timing as well as the gender of the child is only Allah’s will. Once a child is born, Islam gives both the male and female child equal status and human dignity, however, owing to the different roles and responsibilities each is supposed to perform, different duties are required from parents for each child.
A Man Worth Twice A Woman?
However, in Pakistan, these different requirements are seen as a difference in the inherent human status of the genders. From childhood, the male child is taught that he is worth twice that of the female, which leads to a damaging situation growing up because the boy grows up with the thought that he is a superior human being, and is destined to all rights and privileges over all women.
This is a problematic abuse of religion, because Allah has designed a very delicate balance between the genders in terms of their social and familial roles, owing to their unique strengths and weaknesses. Men – having been given the primary role towards the well-being of the family as well as having to play a more active role in social affairs – are provided a greater share in certain areas. For example, the wisdom behind the share in inheritance being double that for a son than a daughter makes sense when one realizes that it is the husband alone who has the responsibility to provide financially for his family, while the woman can choose to keep all her money and assets for her personal use only, and will not be questioned for it.
Rights Vs. Responsibilities
However, in Pakistan, this translates into a very problematic form. Our boys are grown up only being taught about their “double rights”, and never reminded that they have double the responsibilities as well. They are not told that if their testimony is worth double that of a woman (although the exact application of this principle is highly debated in Islamic jurisprudence), that equates to double the responsibility of them testifying and standing for the truth and against injustice. Similarly, if our men are grown up being taught that the public domain is for men, it is a greater responsibility upon them to fight the wrongs of the society.
The reason why we have a desperate need to change the narrative from the “rights” of men to the “responsibilities” of men is because Pakistani society is actively yielding alpha-men who are taught to believe that they are superior beings solely due to the gender they got assigned by chance. They are taught into believing that with this gender, they are entitled to a preferential treatment by their families and the society, which they can somehow base at religion.
3. Never A Perfect Victim – The Never-Ending Character Assassination of Women
Zainab rape case – why did the parents leave the girl alone?
Noor Mukkadam murder – kharab larki thi, ghair mard ke ghar kyun gayi?
Motorway rape case – itni raat ko aurat drive kar rahi thi motorway pe
And now Sana Yousuf’s murder – tiktok bana ke behayai phela rahi thi
These are just those case which became national highlights, but do you see the pattern here? No matter what the age, what the incident, it is somehow, always a woman’s fault which is pointed out to minimize or justify the crime. Take a good look around yourself, you will find this happening everywhere around us.
A husband hits his wife? She must have said something.
A woman gets harassed on the streets? She must be wearing something revealing.
A man cheats on his wife? She must not be fulfilling his rights fully.
A man obsesses and stalks a girl? She must have given him a signal.
There can somehow never, ever be a “perfect” victim. One whose murder/rape/harassment can be condemned and mourned without any “but there’s another side” argument. It’s because we have villainized and sexualized women (and even little girls) to an extent where the simplest act of living is taken as them doing something morally and religiously outrageous. A woman just living and smiling is somehow enough to justify men’s crimes.
The problem is more deep-rooted when we think about how everything eventually is tied to a woman’s character. Smoking – a harmful, yet acceptable norm for men – becomes a criteria of character for women. Hanging out with friends, sitting at a dhaba, laughing a little too loud, or simply just working with male colleagues are all normal actions which can render a woman “not pure enough”.
Interestingly, sins which render both men and women the same punishment in Islam – zina, free mixing with opposite gender, drinking, being in relationships etc. – are only seen as a gunaah if a woman does it. If a man engages in any of these, it is brushed off with a simple “oh larkay to jawaani mein ye sab kartay hi hein”.
The standards which women are held to are so impossibly high, that perhaps not a single woman can be a good woman by all these criteria. While those for men are so low, that a man can check every single point in a haraam list, and yet be praised for being a decent man.
4. Casual Objectification of Women and Normalization of Abuse
Without getting emotional, let’s all answer one thing very honestly: how frequently do we witness “jokes” or casual conversations justifying or normalizing abuse against women?
Our drawing room conversations, comments thrown around in offices, a normal “boys talk” or even aunties and a group of girls gathering together and discussing how a certain woman’s dress or mannerisms are the reason behind the way men treat her. Somewhere, somehow, we have all became active participants, or at least silent spectators to such conversations.
Interestingly, these conversations – especially the ones between elders – usually begin or end with a “zamana kharab hai”. Everyone knows the real risk is external to what women do or say, however, one won’t hear the actual risks or reason behind the “kharab zamana” being discussed, it would usually be what women do to put themselves at greater risk – go out, dress in certain ways, use social media etc.
Every time we choose to diverge the conversations from the real causes towards what women should or should not do, we provide more space to the real perpetuators to continue their actions. The underline is simple: as long as something doesn’t happen to our women, let things continue the way they are.
Every man, every boy who stops their daughters/sisters/wives from becoming a part of the public domain knows exactly what is happening and who is doing it. They have men in their close circles who justify abuse – or even partake in it. But rather than calling those men out, they choose to limit their women.
Our humor, our political slogans, our social media users and our “locker room” talks have all come together to normalize sexualization and victim blaming to a socially acceptable level, because no one has the guts to call it out. The realization that we all need to have is that women are not safe even in the confides of their homes, it is about time we start dealing with the actual problem
Where Do We Go From Here?
The optimistic inside of me would like to believe that Sana Yousuf’s innocent smile and her full-of-life face would be enough to stir our nation into consciousness. But then I get reminded of the comments celebrating her death, and I get jolted back into reality. A little over two weeks later, the nation has moved on. Another trend, another hashtag, debated and closed. The reality remains as bleak as ever.
Although the hope to ever see a positive day for the women in this country gets bleaker by every passing moment, the dedication towards this cause is one I am never willing to cease. The changes we need to bring are structural and wide-ranged, but with consistent efforts, our future generations might be able to see a brighter country.
The list of solutions isn’t exhaustive in any manner, but it covers a few major steps we can all take as responsible members of a civil society:
1. Shift In Parental Mindset
We grow up listening to how birthing a daughter is an aazmaish because their izzat is so vulnerable. It is about time we start seeing the real aazmaish: raising good sons. Raising sons who understand what consent means, who understand boundaries, who are taught that every individual in the world – and the women outside of their families – are equally worthy of respect and honor.
We need to celebrate the birth of girls – just like our Prophet taught us to – and treat them with equal amount of love, appreciation and resources as sons. For this, our government, our media and all of our institutions must take charge.
2. Schools and Curriculum
After parents and family, nothing defines the character of an individual as much as schools do. Anyone who has attended educational institutes in Pakistan would agree that sexism and misogyny are prevalent in all forms – from the attitude of teachers (sadly, mostly female teachers), to the stereotyping done by our books. Our curriculum needs to be updated to ensure that women and their achievements across different fields are given enough space. We furthermore need to teach both boys and girls about abuse.
We can no longer hide the horrors our women go through by brushing them away. Our boys need to be taught about the challenges women face in this country everyday, and reminded of their responsibility to ensure that women around them feel safe and comfortable. Men are often too detached from the reality of women, it is time we undo that.
3. Religious Authorities and Scholars
One of the most unfortunate realities of Pakistan is that the people who are responsible for correcting the misuse of Islam are the ones most guilty of doing it. Perhaps no one has harmed Islamic practice more than our “ulema” themselves. Even recently, right after Sana Yousuf’s murder, religious parties were busy planning protests against child marriage bill!
However, if we are ever going to see any betterment in the situation of women – or any oppressed class in this country – our religious scholars will have to course-correct, and actual educated individuals with true Islamic knowledge will have to lead from front. Figures who can uproot pagan and patriarchal practices and educate the masses on the true status of women in Islam – not just as mothers or wives, but as individual human beings.
4. Government and Legal Bodies
In a rare sight, the Islamabad police moved away from the usual victim-blaming attitude employed by authorities when such cases against women happen, and actually blamed the culprit. But this is not enough. Our authorities are criminally incapable to put an end to the rising cases of abuse against women. Every year, the number of women harassed, raped or murdered is depressing. One cannot help but wonder why these same Pakistani men, once they move to the Gulf, become as straight as an arrow? No matter what the women wear or do can bring them to as much as look up at a woman.
The answer is simple: they know that if they as much as look at a woman, the authorities will deal with them in the worst way possible. It is this lack of strong law enforcement in Pakistan that leads to these men becoming uncontrolled monsters.
5. The “Good Men” To Take Charge
For far too long, women have been reminded that “not all men” are bad. However, we never see the good men doing much to help our case. Sadly, the bar is so low that any man who does not harass, rape or cheat is considered a “good” man, although that makes them only a decent human being. We need “good” men to step up and fight this war that women have been trying to fight for so long. These good men need to start calling out misogynistic discussions in offices, drawing rooms and their friend groups. They need to educate fellow men, raise better sons and provide active support in all forms required.
Show us that you’re one of the good ones rather than telling us that in comments. Next time your colleague justifies harassment – call him out. Unless men themselves realize and change this, things will never improve.
6. The Responsibility Of Media
To conclude, let’s go back to where we stared this whole conversation: the role of media. There is no denying that mass media is one of the most powerful tools, and when used right, can help transform societies. However, media is usually a reflection of the society as a whole, and a part of the overall machine that builds a society. Only with the other parts functioning right can media play a truly transformative role.
Our media has numerous feathers to its cap. It was Udaari that kickstarted conversations on child abuse when people would refuse to even acknowledge it. Despite the bans and the backlash, the team persevered and showed everyone what media can do, when used right. Darr Si Jaati Hai Sila, Chup Raho, Dil Na Umeed To Nahi, Zard Paton Ka Bunn, Tann Mann Neel-o-Neel, Kankar, Baaghi and so many more, they’ve redefined limits of fictions and given us truly ground-breaking stories and characters.
Imagine what more we can achieve if our makers realize the powers their pens and cameras truly hold, and utilize them to create the impact that they can.
In short, once every individual in their personal and professional domains understands that they have the power to make this world a better place, only then can we truly make it one. As Faraz wrote in his timeless piece,
shikwa-e-zulmat-e-shab se to kaheen behtar tha
apnay hissay ki koi shamma jalatay jaatay
